The Unofficial List of Bird Rules

                                                                   
      Humans have so many rules these days that I really don't know how they keep them all straight. Mom recently brought her employee handbook home from the office. I sat with her as she thumbed through it one evening, and I was greatly surprised that her thumb didn't start bleeding in the process.
There were
legal rules, computer rules, fashion rules, employee conduct rules, administrative rules, clinical rules, rules when to arrive and when to depart the office, rules on how to handle the difficult patient, rules on how to handle the difficult fellow employee, rules and lists on how to set up for procedures, unspoken rules, rules that seem unfair, and rules that would make a parrot's feathers curl. Shockingly,  it all ended with a mission statement that lasted an entire page and a half.  After hearing this, I sat and stared at mom for a very, very long time. I wondered how such an intelligent being could be so manipulated.
"Business rules enhance productivity in the workplace", she said to me.
Obviously humans love rules. How sad. I just continued to stare. 

    Well, it is much simpler for us birds, folks.  We have no need of micro-management.  We have no need of "higher-ups" who sit and spy from the dark recesses of  tiny "management caves" and who send out ludicrous little memos about everything that can be "improved", "changed", or  (gasp!) "implemented".  We birds know what we want and we know how to get it quickly, easily, and without fanfare. There is NO middleman with us.  We are our own "higher-ups"!  And what makes it truly fun is that we allow our fellow humans to think that THEY are the ones who are large and in charge. In my mind, that makes everyone happy; the parrot remains KING, and the human continues to stumble through the day in blind bliss unaware that it is truly the parrot who wrote the handbook for the day. Hence it is proven that a fat frontal lobe does not make for a smarter being.

    Enter the complete and total superiority of the parrot. We have what is officially known as The Unofficial List of Bird Rules . It is structurally easy to follow. It eliminates ALL potential human questioning. It is designed to feed humans more of the rules they love and at the same time to keep us birds in control of everything.

    Of course some of you may have heard these Bird Rules before.  Rule #10 is my own addition.  It exists primarily  to make it even easier for the human mind to grasp the concept. I suggest that any avian out there reading this blog to print it out and hang it where your human will see it most. In my case, that is the refrigerator. Mom is always standing in front of it wondering what new treats may be mysteriously appearing inside. You have to be strategic. And you have to manipulate the human's elusive cerebral cortex. Trust me. This is easy.

THE RULES:

1.  If I like it, it's mine.         (easy to understand)                                                                                                                                            
2.  If it's in my beak, it's mine.     (your finger will be too if you try to take it away)                                               
3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.   ( my brain cell is stronger than your muscle fiber)

4.  If I had it a little while ago it's mine.   ( obviously)
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5.  If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.    (step away from the merchandise)

6.  If I'm chewing something, all the pieces are mine. (and that includes anything antique, expensive, and         sentimental)

7.  If it looks just like mine, it's mine.   ( is that really so difficult to understand?)

8.  If I saw it first, it's mine.   (this is a proven fact in a court of law)

9.  If you have something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.   (finders keepers)

10. WHEN IN DOUBT, JUST CONSIDER IT MINE!

Parrots rule.