Ok listen up guys! I know some of you out there think you know all there is to know about women. But I seriously beg to differ. Let me tell you a little secret. And let this sentence completely burn onto your retinas. The secret is this: I am far superior to you all because I AM AN EYE MAN! When you’re an eye man, you can get away with just about whatever you want.
Let me show you how this works....
4:30 am. The sound of the alarm fills the air, always accompanied by a groan and by the sound of shuffling feet as mom lurches to the bathroom. Within about 5 minutes , the sound of the shower spray hitting the tub can be heard. Mom is in her usual rare form. Slightly pissy, and oh so not in the mood. This time of morning always comes way too fast for her. Just another typical work day begins for mom.
Mom usually lets us out of the cage for a short stint every morning as she fixes our breakfast. As mom’s routine goes on, and as six o’clock draws near, I begin to realize how much I do NOT want to be locked away for another tortuous day in my cage. This is when I use my extraordinary talents as an EYE MAN to prolong my freedom!
As mom approaches my cage with my breakfast, I slowly approach her face and give her soft beaky kisses on her cheek. I then lock eyes with her. She thinks it’s cute. The gullibility is so sad. She doesn’t realize that every suttle little movement of her corona, and every quick little flash of her iris tells me exactly what’s going to happen next. A glance here means “what time is it?” . A glance there means “where’s my purse?”. And a quick glance towards the floor means “where the heck is my other shoe?”. The frantic survey around the room means "Where are those stupid keys?".I have it all down pat. I am the man.
It is when the final glance toward the coat closet comes that I know I need to act fast. My plan of action must come to complete and utter fruition at that moment! I launch my torpedo like green body up my rope perch, all the way to the ceiling. In that instant, mom knows she screwed. The proceeding begging and pleading is a delight to behold, but I do not budge!! Of course mom frantically climbs a stool to reach me, and that is when I launch a series of fake attacks. I hold on tight and refuse to open my little birdie feet even as she tries to pry them open. Such fun! I flap as hard as I can, making sure to create enough wind to disturb her perfectly coiffed hair. And make no mistake: it is always accompanied by my famous evil laugh. Closing my little birdie ears against the onslaught of curse words delivered by mom, I continue to hold a tight resolve on that perch. I always wonder what she could possibly be cursing about? Is it the fact that I’m flapping, or because my evil little laugh sounds so much like hers? At any rate, her hair looks like crap by now, and that makes it totally worth it.
Using the "I'll trick him down by offering him his favorite treat" trick, mom brings out the peanut butter/sweet potato/banana/granola concoction that I love soooo much. But I am always far too smart to fall for that! As the treat comes closer to my beak, I lift my foot to step up onto her hand. Unsuspecting of my treachery, I quickly shift my weight several times. Locking eyes with her again, I position myself onto her sleeve. With one quick squeeze, out drops a perfectly formed little pellet. The kind that looks easy to clean up, but in reality smashes itself into fabric for time and all eternity. And wow! Now I've just stepped into it......
By the time I finally allow mom to put me back into the cage, Mom is mortified, and I am pleased beyond mortal comprehension. I can even feel my beak curling up into an unnatural smile.....*think Grinch*
And even though mom’s day completely spirals down the toilet after moments like these, she still thinks me staring at her is so cute and innocent ........
What can I say? The eyes have it !
